Category — Moving through Loss

Another shock greeted us over the weekend…another well-loved celebrity died.  This time it was Whitney Houston.  The incredible thing is that she died the day before the Grammys.  So many people had watched Whitney receive Grammys over the years and music was what made us love Whitney.  How would the Grammy producers handle this terrible turn of events?

Life must go on, people were expecting to learn who won the Grammy in each category yet nothing in Whitney’s circle of family, friends, fans, and acquaintances could be the same.  What to do???

The Grammy producers handled it very well.  They acknowledged that there had been a “death in the family”.  That death brought pain and a great wound that would need to heal.  They turned to God for help in healing but mostly with thanks for the joy Whitney had brought and for the great gift she was to the world.  And then, they  recognized why they were all together…to celebrate music.  Music, the balm of the soul; music, the gift that Whitney had given to the world with her own special, incredible voice; and music, the thing that would help start the healing process.

Then they moved into the planned program to celebrate life.  Life does go on after death.  They did not minimize the loss and they ended the show with a wonderful tribute as Jennifer Hudson sang “The Greatest Love”.  Throughout the show we began the grieving process as we remembered our loss; we enjoyed life as we watched today’s stars receive recognition for their accomplishments; and at the end we were reminded that life as we knew it will never be exactly the same. Whitney Houston will never sing a new song but we are blessed by all the songs we had before and we are so much stronger because the grieving process began at the same place that the excitement began many years ago — the Grammys.

If you want help with grieving any loss, I can help.  Please contact me at marcy@marcythecoach.com to schedule a complimentary, get acquainted, time to talk by phone.  We will walk through the pain together.

Now that life has changed for your widowed friend you may feel uncomfortable when you talk with her.  What should you say?  Should you always start by asking how she is doing or should you just pretend everything is the same as before?  Should you ignore her new identity or dwell on it?

A common misconception is that talking about the person who has died will make the widow sad and prolong her grief.  However, talking about the person who died will really allow the widow, and you, to process  the loss.  Pretending the deceased person is “away” doesn’t allow the brain to fully accept the reality that the deceased person is never coming back.  Not accepting the fact that he won’t be back keeps a widow in a state of suspended animation.  It is very hard for the widow to move into the next phase of her life when she expects that her husband will walk through the door at any time. 

Talk about how he died; talk about what life was like when he was healthy, what it was like while he was ill, and what it is like now that he is gone.  Tell funny stories and laugh.  Tell touching stories and cry.  Feel all the emotions.  These emotions will cleanse the soul of sadness. 

Always, always allow the widow to determine the direction of the conversation.  If she is very sad, even good memories may be too hard to remember.  Someday she will cherish the memories but it takes a very long time to get past the pain.  Simply ask if there are any memories the widow would like to share, and then respect her answer. 

Coming next time:  Don’t assume you know things about the widow.

If you know a widow or are one, I can help.   To move through the grief into the rest of your life, contact me today at marcy@marcythecoach.com .  All coaching is done over the phone and the first session is offered at no charge.

Widowhood equals crying.  It is just that simple.  Widows need to cry in order to relieve the stress and pain associated with loss. 

Most widows don’t want those around them to see them cry.  Crying shows vulnerability.  Even those going through extreme grief often want to hide their pain.   Crying is a God-given way to express sadness but even those who are in great pain tend to cry in private.  Widows often tell me that they cry in their cars.  I understand.  When I was a widow I cried many tears in my car when a certain song came on the radio or I passed something that reminded me of happier days. 

Sometimes well-wishers are uncomfortable when the widow begins to cry so they try to stop her from crying rather than just sitting with her while she cries.  Stopping her from crying will lead her to “stuff” the feelings that must be released for healing.  Ultimately, not crying will prolong the sadness.  Putting your hand on her arm or your arm around her shoulder while she cries will show that she is not making you uncomfortable, and will give the widow permission to cry.  

Rather than look or walk away when your friend starts to tear up, please persevere with her.  Say things like, “I know”, and “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”  But please, always allow the widow to cry.

Coming next week: Allow the Widow to Lead the Conversation.

Oh no, he didn’t really DIE, did he?   Her husband died and now your friend is a WIDOW.  You ask yourself what you should or shouldn’t do to help and you come up blank.  Fear of saying the wrong thing paralyzes you.  You want to “make it better” or “make the pain go away” but the overwhelming sadness of this situation clouds everything.  You may rush to your friend’s home only to find that you are in a crowd of people all milling around trying to be supportive of each other while the widow is not even there but at the funeral home or trying to buy  a gravesite. 

Some people are able to walk into the home of a friend whose husband just died and take over the day-to-day needs of food, child care, cleaning, etc.  Others aren’t comfortable in that role but feel the need to be at the widow’s home to be emotionally supportive and just “sit” with the widow as she cries or stares into the air.  The widow needs both types of friends. 

Please don’t expect the widow to tell you what to do for her.  Questions of what she needs will probably go unanswered.  If you are at the widow’s home and see a need, please just fill the need…wash the dishes, clean the cat box, take the dog out, supply more milk.  Don’t ask, just do. Your deeds may not be remembered by the widow and may never even be acknowledged by anyone.  A true friend isn’t there to be acknowledged…she is there to help.

Being a widow is really, really, really hard and being the friend or relative of a widow is equally hard. Follow my blog and tweets every week for a tip on helping someone move through widowhood.  Coming on my next blog: Allow the widow to cry.

If you know a widow or are a widow, I can help.  To move through the grief into the rest of your life, contact me today at marcy@marcythecoach.com .  All coaching is done over the phone and the first session is always offered at no cost.

 It’s February, and along with cold weather and snow in many parts of the world, there are red Valentine’s Day hearts everywhere!  TV commercials are for jewelry stores with heart pendants, candy hearts abound, and Valentine’s Day cards are in all the stores…you cannot seem to get away from them. 

 These hearts are supposed to make you feel warm and fuzzy but instead, because of the loss of your loved one, you feel sad and perhaps angry.  As a widow, you remember the former Valentine’s Days when you had someone who loved you; someone who gave you cards with big red hearts; someone who gave you candy and flowers and jewelry.  But now, you may feel that you want to move to the moon where you won’t be hit on every side with the pain of loss.  What can you do?

Well, when it comes to the pain of loss…you have a choice to become depressed, cry, rage, sulk, whine, and be generally miserable OR YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT.  Getting through this time may seem to be easier said than done.  Here are a few things you might try which will help you to get through the most romantic month of the year.

 ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN 

            Trying to deny the pain of loss and grief only pushes it down deep inside where it will fester and perhaps become toxic bitterness.  Feel the pain and think about it in a positive way.  Realize that someday the wonderful memories which today are so painful will become pleasant.  

            It is OK to turn off the TV and radio when a sentimental song comes on.  Why torture yourself?  Simply move onto something else.

REALIZE THAT FEBRUARY IS THE SHORTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR 

            There are only 28 days in February and February 14^th, Valentine’s Day, comes halfway through the month.  Once Valentine’s Day has come and gone, the commercials will miraculously change from Valentine’s jewelry to something entirely different.  YOU CAN MAKE IT UNTIL FEBRUARY 15^TH!

DISTRACT YOUR THOUGHTS 

            Try to think happy thoughts of the coming springtime and warmer temperatures or the vacation you have planned for this summer.  If you don’t have a vacation planned, maybe now is the time to start planning.  You are in charge of what you think.  If you allow your mind to dwell on the past, no matter how wonderful it was, you will never be able to move into the future.  We have eyes in one side of our head because God did not intend for us to look backward and forward at the same time.  We must choose which way we will look.  I encourage you to look to the future as you cannot change the past.  You do have an opportunity to determine your future.

 KEEP BUSY 

Find things you like to do and DO THEM.  Don’t just think about what you SHOULD be doing, actually get out there and…

MOVE INTO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!

Happy Springtime!

“Who I Was Born to Be” is sung by Susan Boyle on her first CD, “I Dreamed a Dream”.  This song’s lyrics have touched my heart.  Here are some of the lyrics:

When I was a child

I could see the wind in the trees

And I heard a song in the breeze

It was there, singing out my name.

But I’m not a girl

I have known the taste of defeat

And I’ve finally grown to believe

It will all come around again.

And though I may not

Know the answers

I can finally say I’m free

And if the questions

Lead me here, then

I am who I was born to be.

Wow, how true those words are in my life, and probably in yours.  As a girl I had a life filled with parents who loved me and who wanted the best for me.  I had a twin sister with whom I grew up.  Although we didn’t always get along, we always knew we had each other’s back. 

There were great expectations that I would go to college, then get married, and have a carefree life.  The problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life with respect to college or a career.  I started college but found that being away from my family was too hard and so I quit college after the first semester, my first defeat.

 When I tried to find a job, I had no degree, so getting into a prestigious career was impossible.  I didn’t know what I wanted to pursue so any job would fill the bill.  I took a receptionist job.  At that first job, I met an older man who swept me off my proverbial feet, made me his secretary (a promotion from receptionist) and ultimately, made me his wife.  We had a good life together and had a wonderful son.  However, this part of my life would only last for 15 years.  In the days following our 15^th anniversary, my husband died of lung cancer after only four months of illness.  This was my second defeat.

A year after my first husband died, I was remarried.  Again I was very happy.  My son had a wonderful step-dad and I had a great husband.  We forged a bond between the three of us which we thought would last forever.  My son grew into a model teenager who never gave us any trouble, was a star athlete, and a great student.  He went to college and got his undergrad and master’s degrees.  When he landed his first real job in his desired career field, my husband helped him move into his first apartment in a state six hours from our home, helped him buy his first car, and then returned home. 

 Upon returning home, my husband told me of pains he was having in the top of his stomach.  In a few days he ended up in the emergency room where, after a day of testing, a CAT scan found many spots in his body which were cancer.  The phone call to our son in a new city six hours away telling him that his second dad had cancer brought a scream of pain on my son’s end of the phone that I will never forget.  Within ten months, my second husband had died of cancer; another defeat. 

 After my second husband died, I began to think there might be something wrong with me.  What could I have done to stop this from happening?  Was I being punished for some wrong-doing of which I wasn’t even aware?  Why had this happened again?  What would I do from this point on?  Could I even go on?

Well, it has now been almost 9 years since my second husband died, and I am ruminating on the words of Susan Boyle’s song. 

 “When I was a child, I could see the wind in the trees and I heard a song in the breeze; it was singing out my name.”   Life for me as a child was full of promise and hope.

 “But I’m not a girl.  I have known the taste of defeat and I’ve finally grown to believe it will all come around again.”  After a failed educational experience, and two good marriages that ended in my being widowed, I became worried that bad things are always just around the corner.

 “And though I may not know the answers, I can finally say I’m free.  And if the questions lead me here, then I am who I was born to be.”  WOW…what a concept…I am who I was born to be!  This life I have experienced is not all in vain.  I don’t have to know all the answers but I can be free of the pain and regret because it is all in God’s plan.  Since I believe the Bible is true, and God says in the book of Jeremiah, Chapter 29, verse 11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,”  (NIV),  I know that the things I have experienced will make me stronger and be used to help others.

 The things that I once counted as defeats were turned into triumphs as I completed my education and received a degree in Psychology with a certification as a Life Coach;  married again and have another great marriage; and have a career as a Life Coach which fulfills my passion.  I have found fun in my life through ballroom dancing, and I have found faith and hope in Jesus Christ. As a new decade begins, I have peace, joy, and hope for the future. 

 Where does the new decade find you?  Let’s talk.  Please email your thoughts to me at marcy@marcythecoach.com.  I’m looking forward to our time together.

Getting back into life after being widowed is difficult but not impossible.  I speak from first-hand experience since I have been widowed twice by cancer. 

I had married my first husband while still very young and living at home.  When my first husband died of cancer I had my son at home so he was the reason I got up every day and moved about.  However, when my second husband died, I felt that I had no real reason to get back into living.  I was alone for the first time in my life.

I was miserable and in excrutiating pain as I grieved his loss.  I didn’t really care if I got on with life or if my life ended.  After several months of misery, I began to realize that living in that state of dispair had to end.  I began to realize that there was one thing in particular that I had done prior to marriage which I had loved and could go back to doing…ballroom dancing.

As a young girl I always loved ballroom dancing.  My mother was a dance teacher for Arthur Murray Studios before I was born and when I was about six, I attended her ballroom dancing classes in her private studio.  As a teenager, I even danced on a TV show similar to American Bandstand, called “The Larry Kane Show”. 

 Even though dancing was of utmost importance to me as a teenager, I never danced while married to my first husband.  After fifteen years of marriage, I became a widow when my first husband died of cancer.  About a year after my first husband’s death I married another man who couldn’t dance.  For many years, I didn’t dance. 

 I missed dancing very much while I was married but it just wasn’t in the cards for my two husbands to dance.  So, as a second time widow, when I found out that there were ballrooms and dance studios in my area, I was extremely excited to get back to dancing.

 A girlfriend and I planned to go to Hollywood Ballroom in Silver Spring, MD for the Friday night Singles Dance.  Planning what we would wear was just like being back in high school.  She had never done ballroom dancing and I hadn’t danced for many years!  What would this adventure be like?  Would anyone ask us to dance?  Were we entering a smoke-filled arena filled with lecherous men? Was this “ballroom” in a safe place?  What if someone DID ask me to dance?  I wondered if my previous training would be helpful or a hindrance.  My friend didn’t dance at all and wondered if she could learn how to dance.

Locating the ballroom was a challenge but we got there in time for the free lesson.  My girlfriend and I trembled as we tried to execute the steps while the teacher, a former Arthur Murray teacher as my mother had been, showed how to move our feet in time to the music.  Even though I had been a dancer, the years had taken their toll on my muscles but I was exhilarated! 

 When the lesson ended, the real “dance” began.  Men asked those around me to dance and some brave souls even approached me.  Timid as I was, I accepted all offers and did the best I could.  Was I a great dancer?  No.  Was I even good dancer?  No.  Did I have fun as I nervously held onto my partners at an arms’ length?  YES.

 After that first evening, my friend decided that dancing wasn’t for her and she didn’t want to return to the ballroom.  I had quite a dilemma because I wanted to dance but after having been married for so many years, I wasn’t sure that I could actually go to the ballroom by myself.  I didn’t know ANYONE at the ballroom.  Where would I sit?  Would anyone talk to me?  What would I do if only unattractive men asked me to dance?

 All afternoon prior to the next singles dance, I worried about what I should do.  I talked to myself about what I might expect, whether or not I WANTED to try going alone, and I tried to assuage all my fears.  Then, I had an idea that made all the difference…I would go alone but with a plan.  My plan was that if I wasn’t having a good time for any reason, I would come home.  That simple thought gave me the freedom to go to the ballroom by myself.  What a liberating thought!

Once I realized that no one else cared if I went dancing or didn’t go, and that I was in charge of what happened with respect to how long I stayed and with whom I danced, my attitude changed.  I started going to the ballroom three times a week, Friday and Sunday for the singles dances and Tuesday for dance class. 

Because I stepped out of my shell and tried dancing, several things changed in my life:

• I realized I am in charge of my fun
• I realized it is OK if my friends don’t want to do what I want to do
• I began to lose weight
• I began to smile again
• I began to feel more confident
• I got noticed by the teacher and became his demonstration assistant which made me feel special
• I realized that it was safe to be held in a man’s arms when I was dancing
• My life became better and I moved through my pain and grief into the rest of my life!

Getting back into life after a loss seems impossible but if you try something that you love (golf, swimming, crafting, dancing, skiing, tennis, going to the gym, going to yard sales…) you will soon see that your life canbe better and you can be happy again. 

Please don’t think that I am encouraging you to forget the person who died or to avoid grieving.  I simply KNOW that since we each have 24 hours to live every day, we may as well put at least some of that time into an activity that will bring us joy.

As Katherine Murray (Arthur Murray’s wife) used to say at the end of their TV show, “Put a little fun in your life…try dancing.”